This is the first time that I am simultaneously posting something here and at Screaming Into the Void on Substack.

‘Twas summer past when began a war betwixt man and shrub!

Long have I done my utmost to maintain the uneasy peace with the growing holly bush outside of mine abode, attacking with hedge trimmer and saw only on those occasions where its encroachment upon mine lands and domain became intolerable. Each time had the dragon retreated back to its ample garden bed where it waited, biding its time whilst my wrath abated until it would, again, up and grow over border and walk! Each time did I return to drive the beast back unto its own domain. And, so, it continued these years thrice passed until the beast made an unforgivable assault on the person of my father, his accidental fall into the lair of the foul dragon having having left him with scrapes and lacerations a man flogged for horrible crimes of which he had committed none!

No longer was my contest twixt myself and the loathsome, holly-leaved dragon of mine gardens, but had escalated to a point no longer tolerable in mine eye!

And, lo, did I swear an solemn oath within my heart to slay the foul shrubbery, that demon-spawn of the deepest circles of Hell!

Yet rain and storm did beset me, delaying my fearful judgement to be meeted out upon the person of the dragon lurking in mine garden. And, verily, I say that the beast did quake, and pray to its foul, pagan “gods” that, again, my anger would abate and its mistreatment of my kin should be forgotten!

But, rain and storm passed, and I soon dressed myself in my wargear to meet the dragon in fearsome battle. I came with the overwhelming rage with which such foes should be met! As day faded to afternoon and eve, I bided my time, waiting until the sun would less scorch my flesh, and I should fight mine enemy in the shade! I donned my boots of sturdy leather, pantaloons of the strongest rip-stop, shirt, and cap of ball! I girded myself with stiff belt and sharp knife, and marched forth to retrieve the tools which I had determined to arm myself: with ax and saw, shovel and pick, and a hedger empowered by the very nature of lightning.

And, so armed, I lept upon my foe without warning or battle-cry, as my foe had set upon my father! The only sound to be heard as the assault began, the dulcet tunes of Panzerlied played only for mine ears. A series of gruesome strokes did I, at once, meet out upon my foe with my hedger, its fearsome teeth biting through twig and branch as it had many times before. Feebly did the beast attempt to fight back, to pierce flesh with spiny leaf, for the hedger was too long and mine glove too thick for its meager weaponry to prevail! Again, I struck, and again until the dragon’s foul gore littered the earth and the hedger’s teeth bound itself upon the thicker branches of the fiendish shrub! At once, I cast aside the hedger and took up the saw, with which I continued to cut back the spread of the beast’s distended branches until aught was betwixt me and my prize: the roots upon which the dragon took its sustenance from the earth!

With pick and ax, I waged war upon my foe until the setting of the sun.

In the fading light, I withdrew into my home to clean myself, and to seek sustenance of my own. I reveled that night in tales of my descent upon my foe along with its terror and weak protestations, pleading for its life with wiles which fell upon deaf ears. And, lo, I slumbered, knowing that I would once again meet the dragon in mortal battle ere the sun rose.

Finally, came the fateful hour after I awakened myself from my slumber and taken that mystical potion which rouses men to great deeds for causes both righteous and wicked, that dark, bitter draught which awakens the mind to the tasks for the day!

Once again, I donned my wargear and took up my tools for this, my last struggle against my mortal foe! The pick fell to loosen the earth. The shovel scraped and heaved great mounds aside until the earth before me was a great crater, one of those scars left upon the earth when Zeus struck with his lighting or, dare I say, when Almighty God did cast flame and brimstone upon those rebellious cities of Sodom and Gomorrah!

As I stood upon the great precipice of my work, mine eyes finally beheld the twisted root of the great dragon with whom I’d contested these long years. ‘Twas a hideous mass of bending root, knotted within itself and spiraling deeper into the earth, yet, verily, the sight of it struck no knot of fear or despair which might afflict a lesser man beholding such a grand and hardy foe!

Nay, I stood not in fear and trembling, knowing that this was but one final trick of my mortal enemy. Putting away the soreness of muscle and lingering exhaustion of mind, I once more lept upon the dragon with renewed strength that this was but the final effort to destroy it. And so, I trapped the pick within its mighty ribs and heaved with my strength but could only move the root a little within its earthen mound! I dismayed not, for I knew by now the fiend’s devilish tricks. Taking up pick and shovel once more, I dug deeper, no longer needing to dig such a wide mark upon the earth, for the beasts tendrilous roots that grew closer to the surface of the ground had been removed: cut away and dragged in long, gorey tresses, like the tentacles cut from some eldritch horror! Pick and shovel struck away and moved dirt from the depths, which neared the bowels of Hell itself, until at last the deep root gave way. With one last heave of the pick, I felt the earth finally loosen. I took hold of my enemy and, planting my feet upon the ground, heaved from the safety of his soil and dashed him upon the rocks of mine walk.

Exhaustion nearly took me, and I nigh collapsed against the wall of the cavernous opening I had made upon the earth. And, ‘twas then I heard it…a soft whispering at first, growing to a crescendo. “Thinkest thou that this is thine victory,” the voice asked before roaring upon mine ear. “Thou canst not defeat me, thou mortal! An hundred will await thee upon the morrow! A thousand taken from mine root ere the sun rise again!”

In a rage, I took up the root and dragged it to the great pit cast it into the fire, thinking what was left would surely die; but, nay! ‘Twas no dragon which I had done battle with but an Hydra! That loathsome beast who, when beheaded, grows twice back the head removed! That bane of Heracles! And, a remnant didst survive beneath mine portico! Twas shocking, the moment I saw the leaves growing up from betwixed the boards ere the passage of but a fortnight! Soon, I realized that I must once again do battle with that loathsome bush, nay, that fiend of hell!

Lo, did I once again don mine battle gear of boots, shirt and pants of durable cloth, and cap of ball. Verily did I arm myself with the weapons of the gardener and didst crawl into the realm of wood, dirt, and spiders beneath the wooden planks above, on hand and knee until shortly until I reached the nearest branches of that monstrous shrub! On my belly, I prepared for the struggle, for here there was no room for ax or saw, pick or shovel, or hedger enchanted of lightning.

I laid about the shrub with sharp garden sheers of the most adamentine steel! Lo, did the villainous shrub defend itself with its sharp leaves, piercing the flesh of my hand and scraping knee through the fabric of my pants! And, so we locked in the mortal dance of combat until, at last, I removed the last of that verdant hydra’s heads and cast it aside! And so, in terror, did the cunning beast stiffen, hoping to trick me into believing I had won until she could regrow her spiny heads to one again become the menace beneath.

But, verily, I was not seduced by the loathsome chaparral and feared no more her spiny leaf. Knew I that she, by custom, she did bury her ragged body beneath the earth? Forsooth, yay, my dear friends, for I have learned all the manners of trickery and deception and foul forms of the loathsome fiend! And, so I had brought with me the great Tool of Entrenching, which would make sure work of dirt and stone to have aside the surety of the hydra in her nest that she may no longer tarry beneath mine porch ‘til her heads begin to grow again!

And, so I dug out the foul entrenchment of the Hellspawn and finished the work of digging her, root and branch, from the bowels of her nest and smote her ruin upon my gravel drive!

At last, tired from the days exertions, I crawled back out from the darker realms, coated head to toe in the mud and the gore of my foe. Yay, did I cleanse mine hands and slake my thirst in the clear water that springs from the garden hose. And, when I had finished, I put away the tools of gardeners which I had brought with me, and folded the grand Tool of Entrenchment which alone bears honor to be stored in the home. And, as the gruesome task was finished, did my wife greet me at the door with her most sweet smile and a draught of the coolest water and say unto me, “thou art caked in mud! Prithee to the shower, my lord, that thou mayest cleanse thyself!” At her heel did stride mine faithful who came to me with wagging tail and grunts most happy…and, of course, the two rapscallions of feline form were nerry to be found.

And, so, after two fornights of sweat and hard battle, ends my tale of the hydra slain to cheer of wife, veneration of dog, and indifference of cat.